


Two Pirates live Near Bag Ends

by Mayori



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), The Hobbit, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: BAMF Bilbo, I will add more when I think of it, Jack has awesome hair, M/M, Oh here is one, Old Took is magic, Requested by: Queenhobbit22, Thilbo, Thorin's a royal ass, courting, did I mention that Jack's hair is awesome?, request fic, well two
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:06:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2281197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayori/pseuds/Mayori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Do you two want to be my baby’s godparents?”</p><p>And while Will stumbled over his words because he and Jack are not officially a couple yet, and how could this lady just ask them, complete strangers, to be her unborn child’s godparents?</p><p>Still in the background, Jack exclaimed: “Excellent!”</p><p> </p><p>or: the AU where Will and Jack fall out from the sky in front of a heavily pregnant Belladonna and get tricked into being Bilbo's godparents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jack shall forever maintain that he was pushed.

Will shall always claim that he was pulled.

But that doesn’t really matter, now does it? Because, truth is, neither one of them truly understood what happened. One minute they were fighting against undead water zombies, blood in their mouth, sweat staining their skin and then suddenly, Jack found himself falling while holding onto Will’s pants for dear life.

Only, instead of falling into the murky, dangerous depths they found themselves being sucked into a multicolor vortex. Then, they landed on hard solid ground. The first thing Will did was shove Jack off him. Then he smiled at the weird woman standing in front of him – and she had to be a lady, because despite her small stature and hairy feet, she had a round and obviously pregnant belly – who blinked at him before she patted one of his shoulders.

“Do you two want to be my baby’s godparents?”

And while Will stumbled over his words because he and Jack are not officially a couple yet, and how could this lady just ask them, complete strangers, to be her unborn child’s godparents?

Still in the background, Jack exclaimed: “Excellent!”

****

** <***> **

 

 “Why did you agree?” Will hissed as he bounced the baby hobbit ( _dear god, he is so small – what if he dropped him or twisted his neck by mistake?)_ in his arms. The baby boy, Bilbo, gurgled happily.

Jack shrugged thoughtlessly and made a funny face that caused the tiny hobbit to giggle madly.

“I didn’t agree, exactly.” The former pirate defended himself. “I just said ‘excellent’ because my hair was still fantastic.”

Will gave Jack an incredulous stare. If it were anybody other else, he wouldn’t believe them but his lover had a weird obsession with his hair. It was creepy.

Bilbo gave a loud giggle, pulling at said lover’s lovely black locks.

 

** <***> **

 

Belladonna Baggins nee Took chose her baby’s godfathers for a reason. And that reason was most definitely not pregnancy craze as her husband liked to mutter to himself.

Three days before the two Men fell from the sky, Belladonna had gone to consult her father behind her overprotective husband’s back. She wanted to ask her Gifted father about her son’s future and life, just to be prepared – it was a Took tradition. Of course, she also wanted to know about her baby’s soul mate but that was just her being nosy and it wasn’t a tradition.

Her father stared at her knowingly when she came inside his study. She smiled sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders, suddenly feeling like a naughty fauntling once more. Her father’s stare never failed to do that to her. The Old Took sighed tiredly, and instead of telling her about her son’s life, he told her about his soul mate.

“He will be the most insufferable, prideful, protective and arrogant person your son will ever meet.” He declared, and Belladonna stared horrified at her father’s wrinkly face. _What!_

“That can’t be right!” She declared; her baby will not have a soul mate like that! She _refused_ to let that happen. Maybe she can terminate the link before it’s fully formed?

Some parents, who hate the idea of destiny and fate, who want their children to either live peacefully, find true love by themselves or all those three combined would do that.

She was about to ask her father if he could help her schedule visit to the Terminator when he said: “You can’t break the bond; the soul mate is already alive and his side of the relationship is already formed. And Belladonna, while ‘Terminator’ is an excellent description, the appropriate title is ‘Soul Broker’. Do try to remember – you’re not twenty-four anymore, dear.”

Great. Her father could still read her like an open book. Just great. Her baby will have a terrible soul mate and she could do nothing about it, she thought sulkily to herself. And his soul mate would be so old.

She resisted the urge to groan.

“Yet, despite all of his bad traits, your son’s soul mate will still love your child above everything and he will give him everything he has and treat him like he is the most precious thing he had ever set his eyes on. He will make your son very happy, _but,_ ” He said, once he noticed his daughter’s beaming face. He sadly watched her face crumble at his last word. “there is only fifty-fifty chances of his soul mate remaining alive after their bond is realized.”

He watched her crumbled face turn teary. Her bottom lip twitched and her eyes were suddenly huge and filled with tears. He knew he wasn’t supposed to do this, but his favorite daughter was crying and he had to do something to help her! He eyed the vortex creator, a magic ball that Gandalf had given him a few years ago as a gift; he could use _that_ to help his daughter’s son.

“Listen,” He told her. “Two men, a couple, will fall from the sky in few days. Make them your son’s godparents and your son’s soul mate’s chance of living goes up to ninety-five percent. Don’t worry!” He quickly added once he saw her incredulous stare and horrified expression. “They are completely trust-worthy and good with children!”

“Why isn’t it one hundred percent?” Belladonna suddenly asked curiously and he happily noted that she sounded less sulky than she looked.

“Well, there’s still five percent chance that he would die from his own stupidity – or your son would run him through to shut him up. I can’t really remember.”

 

** <***> **

 

Despite his complaints, Bungo found the two Men to be quite enjoyable as a company. William often distracted both his wife and baby enough that he could sneak out with Jack and share a pipe – or when he is feeling particularly pathetic about the baby waking up in the night, a nice cask of cheap rum.

 

** <***> **

 

Years passed, and despite everything, neither Will nor Jack left Hobbiton. They built themselves a cozy cottage near Bag’s End and lived peacefully near their godson and his family. Will became a blacksmith and Jack became, much to Will’s amusement and surprise, a successful writer. Jack also, unsurprisingly, occasionally pickpocketed from the people in Bree and when he was extremely bored, he also indulged in his growing hobby of wood crafting.

“You know that you will never succeed, right?” Will once told Jack while he hammered at a bent pitchfork. Jack looked up from his paper and stuck his tongue out at his lover childishly.

“We’ll see about that.”

Will just shook his head at his lover’s stubbornness – honestly, the man did have a way with words but his ability to create believable tales was absolutely horrendous.

At least, that’s what he thought until the black haired man presented him with his first finished story. The story was _beautiful_. It told the tale of a young man who seeks to find his identity while facing the challenges presented to him by family, friends, villains, strangers and even nature itself. He was honestly surprised when he found out that Jack’s main character decided to become a pirate, though. The character didn’t seem to be the type.

When he mentioned that to Jack, however, the man merely snorted. While playing with his black locks, he answered: “A man can be good even while being a pirate.”

He sounded a bit hurt.

William instantly felt bad at that and kissed his lover for forgiveness, which was quickly granted. Will placed his hands on his lover’s hips and began to massage the shapely bones. Jack moaned happily. He lifted Jack off the bench and they both stumbled until they reached the bedroom.

The bent pitchfork can wait a bit.

Thus, William Turner and Jack Sparrow lived together happily, years passing them like days and they never once realized that they were not growing older.

 

** <***> **

 

Bilbo thought his parents hung the moon and put the stars in the sky so he could sleep without fear. But he thought his godparents painted the sky blue and placed the hot sun above his head so that he could play all day long happy and safe.

Will was like his mother. Quick to act and quick to speak. He was active, kind and he loved creating stuff. He could bend metal and make beautiful stuff just like how his mother could knit a lovely dolly or craft a new clay cup. Will was also good with swords, and he liked to practice with them often. He said it was a hobby and he and his mother often clashed swords to keep up their ‘edge.'

Once, he asked both his father and Jack why Will and mom and needed to keep their ‘edge’ up. Dad said they were crazy and Jack was drinking tea mixed with ale unhappily.

Jack had stared at him as though he was about to divulge the secrets of crazy. Instead, he said he wanted rum.

Jack was like his father although many people thought he was more like his mother with his vibrant and demanding personality. But Bilbo’s mother hated riddles and words and spoken tales, she preferred to be the one living the tale rather than writing it.

Jack liked words. He loved riddles. He adored tales. He also enjoyed wood crafting.

To Bilbo, it made sense as one plus two plus two equaled dad. Jack could fight when needed, but if he could get himself out in another way, he didn’t mind. In fact, Jack _preferred_ peaceful methods over violent ones because they were easier, involved less bloodshed and his hair remained impressive.

Many lasses were jealous over Jack’s hair.

Bilbo would shamelessly admit that Jack’s hair is fantastic, however. He wouldn’t mind if his own body grew hair like that on his head or foot, that’s for sure.

The important part though, is that Bilbo’s family is complete. He had two sets of parents who were happy enough to spoil him with their attention and love.

Which is why he was devastated that Winter night when his parents were killed and his godparents were nowhere to be found.

From that day, the night sky always seemed dull and dark despite the continuing existence of the moon and stars. If his parents weren’t the one putting them up, they weren’t as safe as he once thought they were.

** <***> **

 

Everyone mourned the death of Bungo and Belladonna Baggins. They were good hobbits with big hearts, despite the dubious company they kept. All of their relatives, even those who had severed ties with them due to their taste in friends, attended their funeral. Said dubious company: Jack and Will also attended.

Most hobbits were disgruntled to find out that they were taking over the Baggins Estate until Bilbo came of age. Few foolish Baggins’ even tried to make a scene in the funeral, in front of the grieving Bilbo. Jack tried to diffuse the situation with few jokes, and when that didn’t work; he placed one hand on his sword and brought up some family history that nobody wanted to hear.

When one of Bungo’s cousins attempted to claim Bilbo as his ward, it was William who acted, much to the hobbits’ surprise. He pulled his sword from its sheath and glared at the sniveling hobbits in front of him.

“You insulted Bella and Bungo every day after they took us in and called them names that would have never been uttered had you thought them to be respectable! And now you seek to rob their fortune by destroying their son’s spirit and future? Never!”

Now most hobbits _liked_ Will; he was always so respectable and kind. More often than not, it was Jack with his weird shaky movements that they didn’t like. Yet at the moment, with fury darkening William’s expression, they all thought that perhaps they were wrong in their initial judgment. Jack seemed _so_ much nicer right now.

 At the sight of the sword, said cousin was cowed into submission, much to Bungo’s siblings’ satisfaction.

Longo Baggins could be heard cackling at his cousin’s misfortune; he never liked that cousin anyway.

 

** <***> **

****

Jack and William (mostly Jack, though) decided that a change of scenery would do the depressed Bilbo a world of good. William tried to gently encourage Bilbo to join them on an adventure by small talks and maps scattered around the room. Jack, the ever impatient one of the relationship, only dragged Bilbo out of the door and threw him on the back of a pony, which he had promptly urged to follow his own horse.

Bewildered and confused, Bilbo could do nothing, except cling on his pony’s neck and tummy with his arms and legs while Jack dragged his pony out of Hobbiton. William quickly locked up and asked Bilbo’s childhood friend, Hamfast Gamgee, to take care of the house during their absence.

Hamfast looked at Will with eyes filled with hope. “If you can get Bilbo out of that state, then I’d happily guard Bag’s End with my _life_.”

And thus, is how Bilbo’s First Adventure Across the Wilds began.

 

** <***> **

While Bilbo always thought that he’d never be as good as his mother or godparents when it came to the art of sword fighting, he thought he was on par with his father when it came to tracking and evading. Turns out he was wrong.

Bilbo learnt the right way to handle a sword and how to swing one, although he would always prefer his spear with its long reach and poisonous edge.

He also learned how to fish, and despite all what everyone said about Hobbits and water, he learned how to _swim_. He discovered that both of his godfathers were actually pirates before they became his family, and he was treated to hours of magnificent story-telling for not freaking out when he became aware of that fact.

Bilbo learnt many things that he thought he would never know or need and as his godfathers and he continue their journey back home, he learned a crucial thing: It has never felt so good to be proven wrong. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! Here is the first chapter of: Near Bag Ends live two Pirates.  
> This fic was requested by Queenhobbit22 . I hope you like this! I have two to three more plot related chapters and then two more Porn chapters ;D
> 
> Anyways, tell me what you think, toodles!


	2. Chapter 2

Bilbo stretched languidly on his chair. The sunlight bathed him in a warm feeling and he found himself missing his godfathers’ constant chatter. Hobbiton was beautiful and peaceful, but he missed the bustle and hustle of the Men’s Cities and the uncertainty of the wilds.

The head of the Baggins family has been in the Shire for a very long time. He has gained his respectability back, and he thinks it is time to get rid of it once more. He just has to wait until his godparents came back from wherever it was that they went to. He just hopes they come back clothed, and not half-naked with hickeys all over their bodies like they did at his last birthday party.

As he smoked his pipe, he wondered about what he would miss around Hobbiton should he leave again. Well, he would miss Old Toby, certainly. He would also miss his garden, his books and perhaps Hamfast. The Gamgee patriarch is quite annoying, unfortunately. He is like a worried mother-hen; always checking to make sure he’s healthy or trying to discreetly shove more food inside his pantry. Honestly, you’d think after he got married he’d focus his energies on his wife, but no! His wife encouraged Hamfast to mother Bilbo for reasons unknown.

Somebody cleared their throat and Bilbo quickly refocused his dreamy eyes. Hmmm, a grey pointed hat, an ever greyer robe, a staff and the greyest beard he had ever seen. It was a magnificent beard, too. Bilbo lamented his inability to grow one. He had a great appreciation for beards.

He thought the old man looked a bit crazy. But it was a familiar madness, so he forced himself to relax.

“Good morning!” He cheerfully said.

The man seemed to be taken aback by his cheerfulness.

"Good morning to you too, Bilbo Baggins!" The tall man replied. Bilbo's eyes crossed; did he know the man?

 "You have me at an advantage, tall stranger; you know my name, but I know not yours!"

"You do know my name, son of Belladonna, although you seem to have forgotten it." The old man said sadly, leaning on his staff. Bilbo was surprised to find that the action was more casual than necessary. The man's back was unnaturally straight, he realized.

"I am sorry, but I can't seem to recall your name."

The man in the grey robe bristled a bit. "To think I would live to see my dear friend's child entirely dismissing my memory! You do know my name, Bilbo, but you do not remember that it belongs to me and I belong to it! I am Gandalf and Gandalf means me!"

"Gandalf! Gandalf the Grey Wizard! My! I have never thought that I would see you ever again. In fact, I can't believe you are still in business!"

Gandalf began to splutter, but Bilbo quickly cut him off: "My grandfather loves those diamond studs and he hasn't taken them off yet! And your fireworks were the absolute best! Are you here to visit grandfather?"

Gandalf gave Bilbo a strange stare from under his bushy eyebrows. "Well, no. I am here to look for someone to share an adventure with, but no one has been accommodating."      

Bilbo bit back a laugh. "I am not surprised; nasty things they say! Make you late for dinner!"

"What say you, son of Belladonna? Would you share this adventure with me?"

"Depends. Tell me what it involves."

 And as Gandalf left his home, Bilbo couldn't help but giggle at that grand quest. Burgling from a dragon? Honestly! Did Gandalf think he was stupid? 

 

  ** <***>**

****

When Dwalin first knocked on the green round door, he got a sword on his throat courtesy of a male hobbit, who on first glance, doesn’t even look like he could lift a toothpick. The little thing growled and narrowed his eyes, demanding of Dwalin to state his business; although the guard got the distinctive feeling he was being told to empty his pockets. After he had stammered out his name and business, he didn’t know who looked more ashamed: the hobbit, or himself.

“Oh, I am terribly sorry Mr. Dwalin! I wasn’t expecting any guests!” He fussed, sounding more like the other hobbits Dwalin had met. The dwarf relaxed, but he couldn’t help but wonder: did the wizard not tell him that they were coming? Did he come to the wrong house?

The tattooed dwarf sneaked a peak at the green door. Nope, not the wrong door; it has the mark and everything. Had the wizard tricked them? He tentatively asked: “Did the wizard not…?”

“Oh – well I didn’t think he was serious about the burgling business. Are you?”

The small being asked, staring at him with wide eyes. The older dwarf shuffled uncomfortably; he disliked being stared so intently. The younger male's eyes are so wide.

Is Gandalf serious about bringing this child with them? The hobbit's physical age didn't matter; this is a child.

"Yes. Yes, we are."

"Oh." The hobbit looked down and played with a loose thread in the hem of his dress-shirt. "I am Bilbo son of Bungo, by the way. At your service."

 The beefy dwarf blinked; he didn't know other races introduced themselves in the dwarven manner, as well.

"Dwalin, son of Fundin. At yours and your family's." He replied and the child gave him a broad grin.

"So, do you like pumpkin pie? I have one that I just finished baking."

Dwalin barely held himself back from salivating.

 

  ** <***>**

****

Bilbo Baggins must come with them on this quest, if only for the value of his cooking. The entire company, sans Thorin, who had yet to arrive, agreed. Even the royal pains in the ass were behaving themselves. Although, if Bofur was honest, Fili and Kili’s respect might stem from the long sword the hobbit kept on his belt.

_“Well, Mr. Boggins –”_

_THUD!_

_Kili and Fili stared, their eyes wide with horror, at the sword that was embedded on the wood of the chair Kili was sitting on. To be precise, it was between Kili’s legs. Tense silence filled the room, but Dwalin ignored it and grabbed an apple pie from Bofur’s plate._

_“My name is Bilbo Baggins, dearie. Don’t you think it’s a nice sword? My godfather made it.”_

_Fili’s eyes observed the sword. While the craftsmanship was foreign, it was excellent. Of course, the smith had nothing on the dwarven smiths, but Fili had a feeling that the little creature would either have his balls or his beard if he said that._

_Thankfully, Kili seemed to have realized that their host wasn’t just a cute bunny-look alike who kept the sword on his belt as a decoration. “O-of course! Your godfather must be quite gifted!”_

_“I am glad you think so! So, do you like chocolate cake? I have chocolate cake.”_

Hobbits are apparently protective of their names.

Especially their family names.

 

  ** <***>**

****

“He looks more like a grocer than a burglar!”

If the tall, handsome dwarf hadn’t said that – hadn’t opened his mouth, _really_ , he would’ve been perfect. Alas though, every creature has a mouth that it uses to shoot stupid words out. His dark haired godfather is a fine proof of that, but that is a totally different matter.

Bilbo ignored the strange ache in his heart.

“Well you don’t look exactly like a hero, either mate.”

“…What?”

“What, what? Are you surprised I can hear? Hate to disappoint but those ears on my head aren’t just decorative ornaments.”

The stranger, whom Bilbo assumed had to be Thorin, gave him a long hard stare with those beautiful blue eyes. He blinked and Bilbo could see splotches of red adorning his cheeks. His beard made it harder to see, though. Bilbo squinted; was he angry?

Thorin swallowed and scratched his cheek.

“…What weapon do you prefer? Swords, axes, hammers?”

“Well – I am pretty good in conkers, but I don’t think that counts. If I were to choose I’d have to say that a spear would be my first choice in a weapon, although swords aren’t too bad, either.”

Thorin turned around and walked toward Gandalf.

“Don’t leave! I was just about to _poiso-_ pour your tea!”

Ah, ah – Bilbo hoped nobody had caught his little slip. Traveling with people who think he is untrustworthy is troublesome.

 

** <***> **

 

Thorin did not miss the little beauty’s slip-up. He kept an eye on the hobbit all night – not because he thought he was _pretty_ but because he said he was going to poison him.

The fluttering in his heart, the burn he has in his Soul Mark also has nothing to do with this. Absolutely nothing. When he saw the hobbit – _Bilbo Baggins, what a nice name_ – decked in full armor and surrounded by weapons he shouldn’t be able to wield, his resolve to deny their connection broke.

To be more precise, it was when the hobbit looked up and stared at him from under the shade of his helmet and said: “Fabulous beard,” as a way of greeting.

He has the _best_ soul mate in Middle Earth. He was sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! Someone should have told me college was a lot more complicated than it looked. Anyways, I fixed any grammar mistakes I found in chapter one, but if you find any don't hesitate to tell me! Thank you everyone who left a comment and kudos - you're the best!


	3. Chapter 3

Thorin had a problem. It was a serious problem – it had nothing to do with the trolls that almost made a meal out of him and his company. No, his problem had everything to do with the smart-mouthed, sword-wielding, fabulous and attractive burglar. His burglar, his hobbit: Bilbo Baggins.

The majestic dwarf had tried _everything_. But Bilbo continued to elude his attempts at courting him! Of course, Thorin preferred to think that Bilbo just didn’t realize he was being courted, rather than full-out rejecting him.

Right. If the ‘casual’ way of courting didn’t get through to his beloved, then perhaps the traditional counterpart would do.

But first, he wondered why Bilbo wasn’t carrying around an empty sheath on his belt. Was he already married? Was he too young to marry? It’d be too difficult to initiate a courting without an empty sheath.

It was for those reasons that Thorin had encouraged his nephews’ attempts at befriending the hobbit. And no, no matter what the others said, Thorin was _not_ threatening his sister-sons; he used Glare Number One: I am your elder; listen to what I say.

He is proud to admit though, that his glare had been mastered many years ago with the help of two unruly children. And then it had been perfected with one of those unruly children’s sons’ help. So, no; there was definitely no threatening involved no matter what Fili and Kili said.

“Why are you so interested in Mr. Baggins anyway?” Asked Dwalin, gulping down the sweet cake Bilbo had brought with him from home.

“I think it is imperative for Bilbo to feel like he is part of the company. That’s all.”

Dwalin shot him a look that clearly showed his disbelief. Thorin felt a touch of irritation; Dwalin had been spending a lot of time with Bilbo. “Why are _you_ interested in my burglar, Dwalin?”

Too late to be recalled, the exiled king realized his slip-up. Dwalin’s eyes widened before he exploded into loud, bawdy laughter.

 _Wonderful,_ thought Thorin to himself. _Now everyone will know._

Though no one may guess due to bulging muscles and tattoos, Dwalin’s actually as bad as an old gossip. Worse than that, his supposed band of warriors is like a dog sniffing a bone when it came to news.

Wait - A knitting group. Yes, that sounds more appropriate.

 

** <***> **

 

Thorin wasn’t sure he was horrified or embarrassed when the ‘elders’ of the group sat him down to ‘discuss’ his wooing plans.

If by ‘discuss’ they mean trampling over his plans and laughing at him, then they have quite succeeded.

It was in moments like those that Thorin hated his cousins.

The only people who didn’t laugh at him was Bofur and Bifur – then again, he did hear snickering coming from the toymaker’s direction and some _really_ suggestive but inappropriate signs from Bifur.

“Thorin – let me tell you _why_ your plans aren’t working.”

“Not interested.” Thorin quickly replied, resisting the urge to give Balin his back and pout like a disgruntled child. He didn’t want to hear more laughter directed at him; he had enough of their well-meaning jeering.

“Thorin, Thorin! Bilbo’s a _hobbit_ not a dwarf; they have different customs.”

And it was in those rare moments of wisdom that Thorin often finds himself in love with his cousins. Or Balin, or Dwalin, or Gloin, or –

Speaking of Gloin, he began to loudly praise his wife and his son’s many attributes and boast about their lack of faults blah blah blah blah.

 

** <***> **

 

“So, Aunty Bilbo! Tell us about Hobbit courting!”

Said Hobbit gave the two dwarf lads a glare that lacked heat. Bilbo sighed; no matter how much he asked, the two princelings never divulged their reasons for calling him auntie. _Him_ , Bilbo Baggins, the very definition of maleness –

Well, maybe not. At any rate, the boys probably called him aunty because of the language difference. He doesn’t blame the boys for not perfecting Westron; it’s not their language after all. Then again, that doesn’t explain _why_ they call Thorin “uncle”… cultural differences, maybe?

“And what are you two scoundrels going to do with that information?”

He asked, looking up from his task. The blade of his spear caught light in a rather ominous manner, nearly blinding him. He frowned; whenever his spear shined like that, it usually meant that something _not fun_ was going to happen. Bilbo looked up and gave the boys a suspicious stare.

Anybody in this group could be a suspect, really. Even _Gandalf_ – as if old, wizened wizards shouldn’t know that chewing _pipe weed_ isn’t a good idea! Bilbo shuddered at the memory.

Yet as he stared at the boys’ hopeful, expectant faces (laced with a tiny bit of desperation, fear and mirth strangely enough) he could not bring himself to refuse them, despite his godfather’s voice in his head screaming at him not to. (He never listened to Jack much, anyway.)

“Well, hobbits don’t enjoy long-winded courtships, so it usually lasts a year or two. First step is showing your interest – you can do that by….it is said in Hobbit folklore that….”

Nothing stopped Bilbo from giving them a lengthy lecture that could put them to sleep, although it was nothing compared to Will’s.

 

  **< ***>**

 

“ _You can do that by finding a brightly colored flower to present – any flower can be used, but the brighter the color is, the stronger your feelings are. It is said in Hobbit folklore that Peona the Prosperous presented her neighbor, Bongo the Brave with a golden flower to express her love.”_

When Bilbo saw the little flower, golden and folded onto itself, he shrugged his shoulders and placed the flower inside his bag cautiously. The children may be playing a prank on him – really, what was he expecting when he answered their question? – but it’s a nice prank. Bilbo did not hear the Call of Hearts and many people thought he was without a soul mate. Hobbits would’ve been pulling at each other’s foot hair to try and court him but many considered him ‘spoiled goods’. Made so by his adventures many said.

The warmth feeling of happiness filled his heart and a fuzzy, familiar song tickled his ear. Bilbo shook off the noise and smelled the plant’s fragrance. The hobbit who had never been courted felt justified in his few moments of admiration, before he tucked the bloom away for safe-keeping.

 

** <***> **

 

As Thorin watched his intended from the bushes, he barely held himself back from pumping his fist to the air and screaming: “Victory!”

No doubt such action would give his spying position away; it would also give away his identity as the suitor. He wanted his suit to be public and passionate, but he remembered his sister once saying that an anonymous courting is ‘romantic’. He still doubts her words, but surely there is no harm in trying?

 As Thorin became engrossed into his thoughts, he did not see Bilbo’s wary gaze briefly shift on him, but he did hear his nephew’s laughter. He gave them Glare Number Twenty-Six: I Will Kill You in the Most Painful Way Imaginable.

They insisted that the wet spot on their trousers is water, much to the disgust of the group.

 

** <***> **

 

An unhappy Nori was on laundry duty that day and he reported that the wetness found on the princes’ trousers is water.

(It is to be wondered, though: what did Nori do to incite his brother’s wrath so, that would cause the creation of laundry duty?)

 

** <***> **

****

Jack and Will had a nice second honeymoon. It was so nice, in fact, that both of them came back from their adventure with a pleasant ache in their bodies. When they found Bag End to be surrounded by jilted relatives, however, such thoughts left their minds.

After thoroughly thrashing the thieving Sackville-Baggins (Lobelia, to be exact), Jack delivered her to her father-in-law and husband, who both looked very cross with her while Will settled the matter of the Bag End Estate with the Property Court. Finally, they met in front of Hamfast’s house.

“Well, do you care to explain what was happening there, Hamfast?”

Will asked and without sparing Jack a look, slapped away the rum bottle from his husband’s hands. Jack stared at the pooling liquid on the ground with regret and pain. Hamfast’s wife pushed a tea cup towards him when she noticed his forlorn look.

She wasn’t about to let him lick the alcohol off her floor, no matter how clean it is. Jack drinks too much beer and rum as it is.

“Um, a month ago Bilbo was visited by Dwarves.”

“Thieves!” William gasped, gripping the arms of his seat. Jack sipped his tea petulantly and uninterested in the conversation; Bilbo could handle himself.

“I don’t know about that, but Bilbo _did_ leave with them the day after their visit.”

“Kidnappers!” He said, looking greener in the face. _‘Poor chair,’_ Jack thought to himself as he stared at his husband. _‘I am sure you are very sorry for whatever you did to slight William so.’_

“Well, Bilbo looked like he had left of his own violation so I am not sure they are kidnappers. I thought they were an adventuring band, myself.”

Will shrank into the chair and muttered darkly to himself. Jack, Hamfast and his wife only heard words like: “murderers”, “going to pay”, “kill”, “hurt”, “mutilate” and Jack’s favorite: “revenge”.

“Hamfast!” Exclaimed Will as he jumped off the chair with renewed vigor, barely dodging the ceiling.

“Y-yes?” The poor hobbit stammered.

“You must understand that dwarrows are untrustworthy and unsavory lot! They must’ve forced poor Bilbo into coming with them as a hostage of some sorts! Come, my love; we must rescue our godson!”

“Now, now William, calm down. Don’t you think you are being too excessive? I think you are underestimating Bilbo too much – eck!”

Jack decided that if being dragged by his precious locks was his punishment for trying to be reasonable, then he’d be happy all his life to never be reasonable.

Hamfast’s wife could only stare with disbelief at the way Jack’s hair was being treated.

“How monstrous!” She told her husband. He, on the other hand, was busy thinking.

“Who are the dwarrows?” He suddenly asked her, interrupting her tirade about their neighbor’s wife’s choice of bonnet accessories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry for delaying. This chapter had more in it, but I decided not to post it since it's not complete. I hate University and I hate its projects. Someone, tell my prof.s to stop giving complicated projects and essays!


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